


Don't mind me

by orphan_account



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Choking, Cussing, Death, F/F, Fluff, Heist, Original Character Death(s), Poisoning, another plant, cactus, make out (referred), pam and selina friendship kind of a lot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-12
Updated: 2020-02-04
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:48:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22221319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Ivy calls Selina up, asking for help with the robbery of a plant (or retrieving a plant - Ivy's words). She finds someone unexpected by the table. Selina and Ivy have a cute friendship.(I haven't got time for a summary, nor a title, sorry. But it's good, take my word for it)
Relationships: Pamela Isley & Selina Kyle, Pamela Isley & Selina Kyle & Harleen Quinzel, Pamela Isley/Harleen Quinzel
Comments: 2
Kudos: 122





	1. Chapter 1

“Remind me again why I denied myself an afternoon of wild sex to do…. whatever this is.” Selina looked at the posh building in front of them, wondering what the hell she got herself into. The redhead beside her fussed with a bag that carried several poison lipsticks and a rack full of test tubes.

“Selina, as much as I enjoy your _delightful_ company, I suggest, for your own good, for you not to mention what you do in your vaaaaast free time ever again.” She scowled at the cat and picked one of the test tubes from the rack.

“Hold out your hands.” Ivy commanded, popping out the tubes’ cork. Selina hesitated, skeptically holding out her hands for Ivy to drip the unknown liquid onto them.

“Wait, this isn’t some kinda punishment, right?” An immaculate eyebrow shot up.

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” Pamela replied in a low velvety tone, eyeing Selina quickly before concentrating on the task in hand.

“For all the overselling they do, you have a terrible timing for flirting.” Selina snorted as she felt the cold liquid embracing her naked hands. It was translucid, like water or alcohol, but its texture felt different than any other liquid; instead, it fitted around her hands like a perfectly measured glove, licking her fingers before it glowed lightly, finishing its protection.

Selina raced her cold fingertips over her own leg and stiffened at the alien touch. It felt like somebody else was touching her, the sensibility being dampened in the area of the hands. Selina bet that if she tickled herself right now it would actually work to make her laugh. _Harley will be restless when she discovers Ivy found a formula that can grant her biggest wish._

Selina raised her head to see the redhead peeking at the crowded ballroom through the car window.

“Afraid of the big crowds?” She smiled, but Ivy didn’t budge, instead, she turned the car off and got out. A head popped in seconds later.

“I don’t have the whole night, Cat. Are you coming, or not?” Selina grabbed her purse, a smirk taking over her lips.

“I wouldn’t miss a girls’ night for anything in this world.” She jumped out of the rented car and they both walked towards the lightened mansion.

A polite smile graced Ivy’s features when they started to hear the dulled chattering waving off the enormous ballroom. Adorning her pillow lips, a meticulously chosen red baton, as poisonous as its owner. The little freckles over the bridge of her nose were slightly less evident over the peachy skin tone she turned herself into to dismiss unwanted attention.

While they were prepping themselves for the heist, Selina had seen the tiny ginger balls adorning the whole of Pamela’s back, and when Selina pointed them out, Ivy blushed slightly and tried to cover them with the material of her dress.

Teasing Ivy proved to be an endless source of fun, Selina mused.

At the steps of the stairs that leaded to the hall, two security guards nodded respectfully at the elegant ladies entering the building; the brunette one in a black dress, a pearled necklace garnishing the area just above her bust; and the ginger woman in a red dress, no jewelry around her neck, just a low cleavage that had already attracted a few curious eyes on their way to the mansion.

“Good evening, ladies. May I have your names, please?” A butler at the hall greeted them. He held a clipboard and if Selina lowered her eyes to the pranchette she would see a neat list of infinite names, some crossed, others untouched. Ivy had better have something planned.

The redhead smiled and stepped confidently forward. “Paula Irving and Sabrina Keetle, you should find it at the end of your list.”

The butler turned his attention to the clipboard and Selina allowed herself to roll her eyes. _Subtlety defines_. _Dear God, imagine when Pam and Harls have a child together… poor kid._ At the thought, a smirk appeared unbidden on her lips.

The butler snatched a pen and scribbled two thin lines across the last paper. He raised his head, smiling widely and gestured with an upturned palm to the bustling ballroom.

Another man met them on their way across the hall.

“Let me guide you to your table, Ms. Irving and Ms. Keetle.” He started walking towards the ballroom and the two women followed closely behind.

As they strode in, several heads turned their way; Selina averted the gaze, looking straight forward, in a secret mission to reach their table.

At the opposite side from the hall there was an almost empty table, save for two people, a child who couldn’t be older than eight years old, and a blonde woman, seemingly around her thirties, who wore a dangerously short red dress and had her hair tied up in a neat bun. The man guided them directly to that table.

As they approached, the bimbo sat on the edge of her seat and smiled so widely that a little of the powder on her face fell on the white tablecloth.

“All set.” The guider smiled to them, glancing at the grinning woman by the table. He, then, leaned in to whisper in Selina’s ear. “Warn me if you need another table arranged.”

“We’re good. Thank you.” Ivy chimed in, staring fixatedly at the blonde.

The man gave them a final nod and left in silent steps.

Without so much as a warning, Ivy pulled Selina by the elbow and sat directly beside the blonde woman.

“I thought you’d bailed on lil’ old me. I was already packing my things. Kinda reminded me a’ someone…” Harley trailed off and Selina finally took a closer look to the blonde’s features. She let out a shocked gasp.

“You traitor!” Selina pointed to Pamela, who, by this time, was grinning ear to ear.

“I confess.” Ivy raised both her hands. “I just brought you here to steal the cactus so I and Holly here could have a proper date for once.” She finished the monologue sending a wink at the blonde’s direction, who blushed and averted the gaze, occupying herself with her glass of wine instead.

Selina opened her mouth to complain, but Ivy was faster. “Wait. Before you nose in, I was joking. I wouldn’t let your cat claws near my precious _Astrophytum asterias_ without my responsible supervision.” She stated matter-of-factly and Selina rolled her eyes good-naturedly.

“Why would they keep a rare cactus in this fancy mansion, anyway? And not, like, in a museum or a botanical garden, where the rare plants usually stay.” Selina gestured to their surroundings before her eye caught an expensive watch, which she snatched quickly; its owner waltzed around the ballroom, clueless. She put the watch in her purse, along with her Catwoman outfit and a whip, which strangely fit in such a tiny bag.

“Because the cactus was bought by the corruptive owner of this mansion. The government had the plant wilting in a stinking museum when Carl Yoher and his fat wallet appeared out of nowhere demanding to buy the cactus. And now here we are.” Ivy pursed her lips in disgust and took a sip at Harley’s wine. Then, she twisted to the blonde, suddenly remembering something.

“So, did everything go accordingly?” Her eyes rushed over Harley’s body, checking for injuries, or any sign of blood she didn’t see in their way in.

“We’ve got fourty minutes ‘til them fuckers scream --- oopsie.” She burped at the end of the sentence, interrupting herself. Harley covered a shit-eating grin with one hand. The kid smiled lopsidedly at her and burped equally, earning a look from Harleen.

“Yikes. If you tell ya mamma where ya learned ta do that, Mr. Santa will put you first in the naughty boys list.” She threatened him with a menacing finger while Ivy rolled her eyes and pulled Harley and Selina in to go over the plan again, ignoring the boy altogether.

“Ok, ladies. The plan is simple. You see that door right there?” Ivy pointed to a posh marble door behind them, apparently still untouched by any of the guests. The door blended in with the marble walls so well that Selina almost missed it; at first glance it just looked like a lonely, oddly-placed handle.

“Selina and I will walk through that door before the guards wake up from my searing potion. We take my loving cactus and get out of here before the host shows up.” After this, she turned to Harley and started talking directly to her. “I knew Yoher would come to greet the guests in the opening of the event, and that’s why I told you to arrive one hour late to this party. You didn’t see the host, am I right?” Harley shook her head fervently. “That’s what I thought. Yoher follows a pattern. He does the exact same things every year in this fake beneficent ball. He shows up to open the event with his weak demagogic speech, disappears after doing so, and only reappears at the end of the night, for closure. Unbelievable.” Ivy let out an amused snort, shaking her head and crossing her arms. That man was a joke.

Composing herself, Ivy took Selina’s hand and stood up, gesturing secretly to the door. Selina grabbed her purse and looked around to see if any of the other guests were looking. Indeed, four young men gathered together glanced at them from time to time, in a poor attempt to look flirtatious or mysterious, Selina honestly thought it pitiful.

When she made direct eye contact with one of them, he picked up another glass of champagne from his table and started walking towards her. The rest of his group following closely behind him.

“Hey, ladies. Would any of you accept a glass of champagne?” The man said and held a glass in front of Selina, offering her to take it. But before she could so much as move, Ivy stepped in, poised.

“Why, hello, boys. We were just going to the bathroom when you suddenly interrupted us. Why don’t you make yourselves scarce and let us have a girl talk, hmm?” Ivy’s voice dropped low, but in a way that she still would be heard over the loud chattering and she approached them even more. She was so close now that the flowery scent of her breath entered their nostrils. “If you do as I say and be good boys, you’ll win a prize later…” Now, Selina could see the cloud of spores that revolved Ivy and the four men. She wrinkled her nose and managed not to sneeze as the men went back to their places, walking at a low pace, zoombiefied.

“Useless waste of time.” Ivy muttered under her breath making Selina look at her friend, somewhat impressed by her acting abilities. _For all the talk she does, when it comes down to it she always gets the job done._

“That’s ma girl!” Harley chirped up from her place, slightly punching the air in victory. Ivy kissed her own hand and blew it to Harley before impatiently pulling Selina to the awaiting door.

The bustle dissipated as they entered a new room and closed the door behind them. The sound of laughter and animated talking could still be heard, but it was infinitely more muffled than before.

“You heard Harley. We’ve got forty minutes. Now thirty, thanks to your intervention.” Ivy warned her, annoyed.

“If I didn’t look out they would’ve followed us here and spoiled the whole plan. That’s the first thing you look for in a heist, Pam; nosy people.” Ivy narrowed her eyes at the sweetness dripping from Selina’s voice, before she dismissed the lecture and decided to move forward, prompting Selina to do the same.

They looked ahead to see a narrow aisle, dimly lit. Just one of the lights was on, the others had been broken and the glass cullet was all piled up in one corner, on the opposite end of where they currently were. The aisle itself wasn’t so long, and just at the entrance there was a sleeping guard. Clearly an induced sleep, deeper than the normal ones; if Ivy kicked the man he wouldn’t even budge, she had tested it before.

A smile graced Pamela’s features as she saw the guard, her formula had worked perfectly when the time came. She crouched down next to him and examined the fillet of blood running down his nostril. A flame of pride burned at her core.

_Harley did a damn good job. God, I love that woman._

“Watch out, Selina. There still might be tiny pieces of glass cullet on the floor. You wouldn’t want to hurt your pristine feet, Kitty Cat.” Ivy warned the other woman as Selina made to walk across the aisle, already clad in the Catwoman suit. Pamela idly wondered where the hell Selina and Batman took their clothes from; she had always found wearing an outfit entirely complicated and had chosen the leafy leotard more out of convenience than anything else.

“Your concern is flattering.” Selina quipped as she stepped warily across the aisle, with her whip at the ready in her right hand. Ivy followed her lead.

Along the way there were more sleeping guards resting on the wall, just like the first one they had seen. A streak of light at the end of the aisle reached their eyes; they turned in on the light and stepped into an empty secret room.

The only thing that could be seen was a marble pillar illuminated by a floodlight in the middle of the room. Unsurprisingly, the lit cactus lay there - unprotected, visible… so obvious.

They both stopped at the door, neither taking a step further into the empty room. Selina turned her head to Ivy. The redhead had her eyes closed, probably to impress, because Selina knew that it was absolutely unnecessary. Ivy raised a hand to her lips and blew a glowing powder into the room.

As it went forward slowly, the cloud of spores gradually exposed the invisible red lasers that would certainly set alarms off if they were touched by something more physical. Selina snorted in amusement.

“The guy’s old school. I’m starting to like it.” She said and whipped the floor in excitement. “I should’ve brought Isis along.” The slender cat always helped her with this kind of overused security system.

“Yes, Selina. A brunette with a cat wouldn’t be suspicious, at all.” Ivy mocked, rolling her eyes. But Selina had already stepped into the room and she was making her way towards the marble pillar.

Avoiding touching the lasers wasn’t as difficult as it first looked to be. The outfit’s cat ears made the task a little handy, but Selina’s slender body and her catlike agility arrived at the destination in seconds.

Selina turned around and saw Ivy still by the door. “Don’t wanna risk losing it, uh? I agree; you should leave it to the professional.” She smirked.

“Just take the plant, Selina. My acid must be enough to protect you from the thorns and any substance that brute might have put on the cactus to hurt expected thieves.” Ivy replied.

Selina reached to the tiny cactus. It actually looked so daily common, like the type of plant you would find by the windowsill of the house of some old hag. As she extended her hands to touch the plant a simple feeling of numbness licked her fingertips and indeed, the cactus’s horns stuck to her hands, but the pain never came, actually, she didn’t even feel it prick.

Selina took the plant from the pillar, and when no alarms sounded she turned her head and winked to Ivy.

The way back was effortless; Selina jumped over those red lines, flipped back and squeezed herself between the lasers, the way out of the maze was already drawn clearly in her mind. With a final jump, she arrived in front of Ivy and placed the plant on her awaiting hands. Ignoring its rescuer, Pam hugged the potted plant fondly to her chest and started whispering little nonsenses in what Selina guessed was the plant’s ear.

“Are you sure this is a rare cactus?” Selina asked skeptically, eyeing the being on Ivy’s hands.

“The last time I checked I was the licensed doctor between us.” Ivy smiled smugly, flaunting her credentials at the smallest opportunity. She turned on her back and started striding towards the aisle, returning to the ballroom. Selina followed suit, walking warily alongside Ivy, watching out for the tiny glass cullet on the floor.

“We have to rush, Selina. There is little more than five minutes until the guards wake up.” Pam warned when they reached that same invisible marble door, which would lead them to the bustling ballroom.

Ivy eyed her down. “It would be at your best interest to change into a more decent outfit for a fancy party.”

“Turn around.” Selina commanded. Ivy rolled her eyes, but did as said.

While Selina fussed with her latex suit, the cactus wobbled and turned squishy like jelly, before it started wrapping itself around Ivy’s arms, hiking up, until it got inside her red dress. Selina watched the odd scene with a confused frown, but didn’t dare to question the redhead. She finished dressing up, and fiddled a little with the zipper before telling Ivy to turn around and they finally stepped out, back to the hustle and bustle.

The lights had gone off, and now the dance floor flooded with waltzing couples. Selina glanced at their table; the snotty boy was still on his chair; he yawned, raising a hand to cover his mouth. The chair beside him was empty.

“Come on, we are leaving now.” Ivy hurried her and they walked along the sidelines, smiling to anyone who glanced at them. Selina held her loaded purse in her left hand.

When they reached the entrance the same man that had guided them into the ballroom came in their direction.

“Going so soon? Wouldn’t you like to wait for Mr. Carl Yoher? He is already on his way.” He warned them with a polite smile.

“Oh, no. It’s already way over my sleep time and we both feel incredibly tired. Thank you.” Ivy smiled to the man and grabbed Selina’s hand, guiding her to the exit door.

They passed through the security guards without a second look.

When they reached the car, Selina plopped down on the passenger seat. Ivy fiddled with the car keys for a moment before turning the engine on and driving out of the parking lot.

The ride home was uneventful. Ivy kept her gaze trained on the road ahead, and Selina looked through the window, regarding the dizzying grey buildings and the fruitless pavements. Gotham wasn’t everyone’s cup of tea, she had to give it that. Most of the people who inhabited the city were the ones who couldn’t afford to buy a house abroad, or the ones who had some kind of unfinished business with someone who lived in the city.

Now that Selina thought about it, Gotham resembled a purgatory. And if it was, in fact, a purgatory, she supposed she wouldn’t get out of there any soon.

Gotham was their lair, after all. The city was home for the rogues and the Batman; none of them would have it any other way.

Selina regarded the redhead beside her.

 _‘But it wouldn’t be a problem if the city were a tad greener.’_ Selina imitated Ivy’s voice in her own mind. The thought brought a smile to her face and she put a hand over Pam’s, on the gear. The redhead turned askingly to her.

“Don’t mind me. It’s those fucking hormones.” She lied, but Ivy smirked knowingly and faced the road again, without saying a word.


	2. Chapter 2

“So... How do I get this off?” Selina asked, rubbing her itchy hands together.

“There’s an empty test tube in my bag.” The redhead tilted her head to Selina’s feet, and Selina became suddenly aware of the weigh mobilizing her feet.

Selina bent down and zipped open the yellow bag. Her nifty fingertips ran over the objects, initially, trying to find the rack. Selina shot Ivy a sidelong glance, took a poisonous lipstick from the bag, and secretly put it in her purse. _She won’t even miss it._

Her hands finally found the rack and she pulled out an empty tube, only to find herself looking dumbly at the glass, not knowing how to proceed.

“Have you ever worn gloves?” Ivy raised an eyebrow and shot the brunette a quick look before turning her eyes to the road again.

Selina rolled her eyes and easily took the invisible gloves off and put the liquid back into the tube, closing it with the cork. She returned the rack to the bag, which she put back on the floor, atop her feet.

Selina hadn’t thought to ask, but when they arrived at their destination and Selina looked through the car window she realized that she was unconsciously expecting to find herself in front of gates, and a mansion; but instead there was green. Green all over the place. Overflowing and massive, the plants overgrew the greenhouse, and flooded the windows and Ivy couldn’t look happier as she had finally come back home, and Selina wasn’t home, but she got out of the car anyway. ‘ _Might as well crash in if I’m already here.’_ She thought.

Looking around, Selina realized that there weren’t many houses in this area, besides their hideout. If she had to guess, she would say they were in Old Gotham. Ivy had always had a charm for these types of things.

The engines and the constant humming of the car died out at a simple turn of keys. The redhead rounded the car, opened the door of the passenger seat and took the stuffy yellow bag, hoisting it up and carrying it over her shoulder; and they made their way to the greenhouse.

Upon Selina’s entry, the plants held their breaths in anticipation; how Selina knew this was a mystery even to her… after all, she had always had a knack for cats, plants were Ivy’s deal.

She turned around, looking back towards the entrance, and saw the domino effect when Ivy stepped into the greenhouse. Suddenly all the plants pounced at the redhead and some flowers bloomed around her, creating a red-rose arch above her head. Vines curled around Ivy’s feet and Selina didn’t even have time to process what was happening when the plants began to torn Ivy’s dress and climb up her legs covering her skin until she had the infamous leafy leotard on.

Ivy smiled so brightly it actually made her eyes crinkle and Selina watched as she leaned into her babies, adoring and tenderly caressing the green extensions that wrapped around her arms, and legs.

“I’m home, my lovelies.” Ivy whispered to them, but Selina heard and bit her bottom lip, a smile threatening to betray her. She turned back around, giving the redhead a little time alone with her ‘ _babies’_ and walked towards a tiny house at the end of the stony path.

As she approached, animated chattering reached her ears, not one voice familiar to her. She frowned, confused at the foreign sounds that came from the small cottage.

Selina looked through the lone window of the house and saw a familiar blonde head bouncing up and down, in front of a tv screen where silly, cartoonish characters talked among themselves about things Selina didn’t bother to find out. _Oh, dear._

Selina rounded the house and knocked on the door one time, not waiting to hear the response to open it and enter the cottage. Caught on the act, Harley turned her head at the sound and jumped excitedly, dropping a bowl of popcorn in the process.

“Kitty!!” That shrill voice… The blonde quickly tackled Selina in a hug.

“We saw each other like an hour ago.” Selina frowned and patted awkwardly her friend’s back. Harley, undeterred, took Selina’s hand and ushered her to the couch, changing the tv channel immediately, which had Selina raising her eyebrows in surprise. The lights flickered before a most sober image of Vicki Vale appeared on the screen. Harley checked the clock on the wall and looked back at the door, tapping her feet anxiously.

Right on cue, the door swung again and now a mostly green-skinned redhead appeared, holding a potted plant in hands. She closed the door with a kick, but before she could step into the house properly, Harley jumped from the couch and ran to her, sealing their mouths together in a loud kiss.

Selina pursed her lips in disgust at the eating-face and turned to the tv, trying to tune out the sound of locking lips behind her. Something caught her attention in the usually boring news and she leaned in, in an attempt to listen better.

“C’mere, Red. I wanna show you somethin’.” Harley took Ivy’s hand and guided them to the couch, sitting beside Selina.

“Wait, Harls. Just let me put my baby in my lab first.” Ivy moved to stand, but Harley pulled her back down.

“Ya can put your green friend in the garden in a few, okay? Jus’ listen ta this, please.” Harley quickly pecked her on the lips and turned to watch the news intently.

 _Oh, well. I will have a lot of time to tend to this darling later…_ Ivy sighed patiently and gently placed the cactus on the table in front of them, making herself comfortable beside the enthusiastic blonde.

“This is Vicki Vale, and good eve----“ A sudden stop. Vicki pressed her fingers against her earpiece and squeezed her eyes, apparently trying to hear better.

A shocked expression quickly took place over her previous smiling face and Harley squealed between the other two sirens, joining her hands in excitement.

“We’ve got bombastic news coming in right now.” Vicki Vale disappeared from the screen, and the video changed to a very recognizable posh room. Selina could see dressed up citizens sat down by circular tables, all of them smiling at a short man that stood on a stage, talking to a microphone, seemingly performing a speech. Ivy gasped at the familiar face and Harley’s smile got wider seeing the redhead’s surprise.

“Here’s to us!” The man on the screen screamed to the mic, raising his glass in celebration, prompting the invitees to do the same. Carl Yoher drank down his champagne in one gulp, slamming the empty glass on his table and waving to the cameras that recorded the ending of the benefit ball.

Sounds of tinkling glasses could be heard all over the room as people cheered and drank happily, ignorant of what was about to happen.

Carl’s smile raised his stuffed cheeks to his eyes, and the man sat down to enjoy the rest of the evening.

But his joy was short lived.

Just as he had started talking with a woman beside him, his eyes widened and his hands flew around his own throat, apparently chocking himself. Gradually, the oxygen seemed to leave him as his skin slowly turned to a blueish shade of purple. Another man, who was probably a guest of honor, realized what was happening and quickly went behind Carl and hugged tightly his lower stomach, trying to get the food to fly out of Carl’s throat.

With a clutch of his hand around his heart, Carl tried to take a breath, his eyes bulging out of their holes. But to no avail, his head dipped low and his muscles gave in to gravity, as he wilted like a dead flower in the guest’s embrace. At this, the camera cut again to a shocked Vicki Vale and the screen suddenly turned off, and again Selina could see her own face reflected on the off screen of the tv.

“Surprise!!” Harley wiggled her hands out, cackling at the sudden silence, such so that creeped Selina out.

“Was that you, Harley?” Ivy asked with a grin, turning to watch the blonde as Harley coyly wrapped a yellow lock around her finger. “How did you do that?”

“I slipped inside the kitchen, like a ninja. And then dropped a lil’ candy inside his glass.”

“What if you missed?”

“ _Oh_ , yer underestimating me, Red. The guy likes shiny things, so his glass was different than the other ones. And besides, collateral damage.” Harley shrugged and grinned cheekly. “Anything ta make ma best gal happy!”

 _Okay… Bruce would be worried if he saw my two psychopathic best friends celebrating a man’s death as if they have just won a great deal of dough… and maybe, if the circumstanteces were different it would, assumedly, be a little concerni---ok, who am I kidding? Does Ivy have any booze here?_ Selina quickly got up to search through the refrigerator to avoid being a third wheel to the heavy make out session that had started on the couch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't know why i actually always do a second chapter to any one shot. and you all know this will be the last chapter of this story. share your thoughts, please.

**Author's Note:**

> yay!


End file.
